I’d just started working in the adult film industry, having signed an exclusivity agreement with Titan in August. I’d also just started to date a guy who was generally supportive of my decision to work in porn (I was upfront about it from the day I met him), although he had his doubts and wasn’t sure how it would play out. Although we’d been on several dates, we hadn’t committed to any sort of formal relationship. I was really smitten, though, and I was clear about my desire for emotional commitment. He’d agreed to stick around until my movies started being released to see how things would go.
I still had a lot of uncertainty around my decision to make porn, and was filled with questions. At 38 years old, had I made the right choice? What would my friends and family think? (They’ve all been incredibly supportive.) What would my employer think? (They’ve been entirely supportive as well.) But most importantly, would working in porn ruin my chances of building a relationship with the guy I’d been seeing… or with any guy, for that matter? On that fateful day in September, I flew from Boston to San Francisco; I’d agreed to work at Titan’s booth during the Folsom Street Fair on Sunday. My friend David — everyone calls him “Cubbie” — picked me up at the airport. He’s a true friend and I love him dearly, and I’d already spoken to him at length about my porn-related questions and concerns.
On the ride into town, Cubbie seemed excited. “There’s someone I’d like you to meet,” he said. “He’s been working in the industry for about a year, and I think he’d be a great mentor for you. He’s a wonderful guy.” I rolled my eyes. I know Cubbie well: it was clear what he was doing. Now was not the time for him to be playing matchmaker. But then he showed me a picture of this mystery man. I recognized him instantly: it was Dirk Caber. He’s starred in the Titan film Surveillance along with Hunter Marx and Shay Michaels. It’s a really hot scene, actually, and I’ve jerked off to it countless times. Cubbie had already arranged to introduce us at a club later that night. Dirk was there with his good friend (and fellow porn star) Dolan Wolf, and initially I thought they were a couple, but I discovered through some strategic questioning that they were not. I was a bit nervous, and tired from the long flight, but as Dirk and I were exchanging pleasantries, he put his hand on the small of my back. For some reason all of the tension fled from my body. He had this calming effect on me that I just couldn’t explain. (Dirk tells me that I’m not the only person to notice this.)
That night, Dirk and I danced a little and talked a lot. Although we occasionally made separate rounds of the club, we always seemed to find each other again. And at the end of the night, with Cubbie’s encouragement, Dirk, Dolan and I left together. So yup, my first sexual experience with the man who would later become my husband was actually a three-way. (It was also my first ever experience being fucked in a sling… which in itself was awkward. It must have been obvious, too: at one point Dolan asked in his sexy British accent, “Have you never been in one of these before?”) Dirk and I were really hitting it off, and agreed to meet at one of the Folsom pre-parties on Saturday afternoon. Rather than immerse ourselves in the crowd, though, we found a quiet spot and talked for hours. The conversation was fascinating and fun; we had a lot in common beyond mere physical attraction (a wry sense of humour, a love of music, a childhood spent in New England). As it turns out, Dirk was also working at the Titan booth at the street fair, so we hung out together all day Sunday too, laughing and signing autographs. I was having a great time, and had made a wonderful new friend. But my romantic focus was still on the man back home. At no point during any of this did I seriously consider Dirk as a potential partner. I was rather taken with my Boston guy, and besides, Dirk lived in Chicago, 850 miles away from me. I’d done the long distance thing before (Boston to Montreal), and sworn to myself that I’d never do that again.
The day after the street fair — Monday afternoon — I met Dirk, Cubbie, Dolan, and a couple of other friends for lunch to recap the events of the weekend and talk about how much fun we’d had. Eventually the conversation turned to my budding relationship back in Boston. I knew that I could balance the adult film work with my life back home, and be emotionally faithful to the guy I’d been dating — and share it with him, if he wanted — but how could I convince him of that? Right in the middle of that engaging and helpful discussion, the email arrived. The guy in Boston had decided not to take the “wait and see” approach after all, and broke up with me while I was on the other side of the fucking country. In a fucking email. I tried to hold myself together as I read the text, but lasted maybe five seconds before I burst into tears right in the middle of the restaurant. I couldn’t stay. I jumped up from the table and ran all the way back to Cubbie’s house where I’d been staying, flung myself on the bed, and started sobbing and shuddering and wailing and screaming into the pillow. My friends, once they caught up to me, came to sit with me, one or two at a time. Dirk was the first one in, and held me tight as I shuddered and wailed and screamed. Once my tears had dried, Dirk and I started talking. About porn, about fidelity, about sex, about relationships, about work and play and death and love and life. And we’ve never stopped, not really… not for the past four years.
A lot has happened since that September day when I first felt his hand on the small of my back. In October he surprised me by flying to Houston to watch me play in the national LGBT flag football tournament. (Once the tournament was over, we barely left our hotel room.) We spent Halloween together in Chicago, laughing the night away in our silly “pigskin” costumes (we dressed as football-playing piglets). That Thanksgiving we met each others’ families back in New England. That Christmas we watched as Dirk’s giddy nieces and nephews ripped open their presents underneath his sister’s enormous Christmas tree. In March we filmed our first scene together for Titan (we’ve since filmed three more). On Christmas day in 2012, the same day his nieces and nephews started calling me “Uncle Jesse,” he announced his intentions to move from Chicago to Boston. And in May of 2013, a little over a year and a half after we’d met, we filled a giant moving van with his furniture and books and musical instruments and sex toys, and drove east for the first and final time, traversing those 850 miles that each of us had flown so many times before. Our lives have been intertwined for almost four years now. I love that man more than I’ve ever loved anyone — more than I thought I was capable of ever loving anyone — and, astoundingly, he’s equally in love with me. We’re building a truly amazing, rewarding, open, trusting, loving relationship while continuing to work in adult films and exploring our own boundaries, always growing and changing together. It’s nothing short of incredible. Every single day is even better than the previous one, which I didn’t think was even possible. And I’ve gotten a little better at using a sling.
Author's Name: Reader submission